when the inspiration just won't come
maybe it's okay to stop pushing
I’ve been wanting to make a new playlist for about 2 weeks now. I think I want it to put some pep in my step, but at the same time, I need it to chill me out, and meanwhile, it’d be nice if it was all just instrumental, because I have a really hard time working and singing along at the same time. So really, I’ve been wanting to make about 3 new playlists for 2 weeks now, but every time I open up my Spotify app, I can’t think of a single song that feels right for any of them.
The truth is, I’ve been having trouble making progress on much of anything since the new year began. I’ll start cleaning up a countertop, when I catch a glimpse of a piece of mail, and I remember I need to submit my credit card payment, so I go to my laptop, which is already open to about 20 different tabs, and am reminded of that one thing I was looking up the other afternoon. I rush to pay the credit card, and then dive into the unresearched subject, at which point an ad pops up for a post-holiday sale and I remember this gift card that’s burning a hole in my pocket, but no - that countertop is still waiting - and did I just hear the laundry buzzer go off? - so I close my laptop and walk across the room, only to forget where I was headed in the first place, and why I thought this was such a great idea. I catch a glimpse of a shopping bag that’s been sitting next to my shoe pile for nearly a month. I decide to empty it and let the cat crawl inside. I really should take down the Christmas decorations, I think to myself, then remember that it’s already 9 pm and there’s no way I’m pulling out the storage totes now. Plus, I already know I’m going to be up an hour before my alarm goes off tomorrow with the anxious thoughts of yesterday, so I really should get to bed.
Thoughts are popping into my head at an insurmountable rate these days, coming and going with no warning of which ones ought to be remembered or simply tossed out with the well-intentioned salad mix I bought that went bad while I was working all weekend. Somebody says something, which makes me think of something else, which makes me realize I never did the first thing, and on and on the cycle goes until my pockets are full of lists with things to do like “research chickens” and “Airbnb —> Asheville?”
I should probably just embrace it as my wild and unique self, but unfortunately, I fear it’s worse than that. I’m anxious, I’m lacking presence, and I need to do something about it…if only I could remember the trick so I could add it to the end of my never-ending list.
***
Is it just me or do we all tend to feel like this around this time of year? We’re being constantly marketed to - from athletic wear to meal plans to Nordic-inspired home design and wellness courses. It’s no wonder we feel like we’re not enough. It’s no wonder we feel like we’ll never be done.
It doesn’t help that I spend my first weekend of every year helping to teach other people the best way to get their lives in order. You’d think it would make me an expert, but all it ever seems to do is prolong my own wondering. Or wandering. Which, funnily enough, was the the theme of this year’s retreat: it’s okay to wander - it’s just a part of the journey.
(insert deep breath here)
The problem is, I’m beginning to learn that when things feel out of my control, I keep pushing until they feel in control, which inevitably means I add so many things to the proverbial list that the mere suggestion of something “fun” at the end of my day only feels like another burden. Another thing to do - or forget to do - or push off until tomorrow.
But last night, there was a New Moon in Capricorn, an auspicious time for fresh starts and re-aligning your vision for success (if you believe in that sort of thing, which I like to do). Supportive crystals include tigers eye and jasper, so I grabbed a few and set them out on the porch to bask in the darkness. I want to - no need to - believe that there is possibility in hitting the reset button. That even if the first few weeks of the new year feel hard, there can still be something beautiful to come of it. And sometimes, something as silly as charging your crystals in a rain storm can actually lift your spirits.
Whether it’s in all my head or it’s simply time for a shift, I’m finally starting to breathe again.
So this weekend, I’m making no plans. I’m casting aside the list. I’m setting no intentions, aside from sleeping in and watching my husband make pancakes on Saturday morning while I read by the fire. (His idea, not mine.) I’m going to allow myself the wonderful pleasure of complete freedom. I’m going to wander towards whatever feels right. And hopefully - because I’m an overachiever and of course doing nothing is rooted in my secret wish that next week things will feel a bit less daunting because I’ll be “healed” and such - it will work.
I understand that the choice to do “nothing” is a privilege. And yes, there will still be animals to feed. There will still be meals to cook. There will still be some part of me that picks up this computer, opens up my drafts on Substack, and longingly stares for a while, wondering if I have anything worth composing or editing to a point of completion. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. And maybe I’ll just throw my hands up in the air and proclaim, “No, nothing of importance will be accomplished today and that is actually an accomplishment in itself.”
***
All this to say, life is hard. I know a lot of us are struggling right now, coming off the busyness of the holidays, getting back to work, facing some unwanted realities. Perhaps you’re in the same boat as me. Perhaps, you need to hit that reset button. And so I wonder, what could you say ‘No’ to in these next couple of days? What could you benefit from saying ‘Yes’ to? Could you take a break from the nagging worries and let it be okay if they wait another day?
We can fight this “New Year, New Me” craziness together. We just have to get back to our sanity first.