how "inside out 2" is changing the way i think about emotions

i repeat, this movie is not just for children

It was the end of a humid 90 degree day in middle Tennessee, and truck after truck was pulling into the old HiWay 55 Drive-In. We’d spread out our customary pillows and blankets, adding extra padding underneath for extended comfort. I was sitting there eating chicken tenders and fries, with a bucket of popcorn lying in wait before the movie began. A father and son played catch on the sidelines. A teenage boy chased his untethered dog around while his date twirled a finger through her long blonde hair. The bathroom was “too small,” a tiny child notified me, likely repeating the very words her mother had just lamented to a friend. It was a classic, southern, summer night, the perfect cap to a terrible, horrible, not-so-fun week. Now, it was time for “country kid” stuff. And, of course, kid movies.

I’d been counting down the days until Inside Out 2. I remembered the first film as a fascinating take on the intertwining concepts of Joy and Sadness, but now, Anxiety was making their much-anticipated debut. And I couldn’t wait to see what the folks at Pixar had to reveal about that.

In a basic synopsis, the film follows Riley, a now-13-year-old girl, as she enters her Puberty Era. Along with that, we meet Anxiety, Embarrassment, Envy, and Ennui, and it doesn’t take long for Anxiety to take center stage. It is their job to prepare for any scenario, to evaluate all of the possible outcomes, and to “save” Riley from any undesirable outcomes.

Hmm, I thought to myself. I guess Anxiety isn’t all bad. It’s when it gets out of control and starts to run the show that problems ensue. Which, of course, is exactly what happens.

One of the images that has really stuck with me from the film is the visual concept of one’s Sense of Self. Core memories are taken to a special pool where they form a taut string that fuses with other core memories to create a complex web of self-understanding. You can play each string like that of a guitar as it reverberates with the belief associated with that memory. A series of “I am” statements.

Ideally, this Sense of Self helps guide us in the right direction. It reminds us that we’re a good friend, or a kind person, or a fair player. It can also, as it is later understood, grow even more complex by helping us understand that we aren’t always just one or the other, but both. (i.e. You can be both giving and selfish, and both - in the right amount - are okay.)

SPOILER ALERT: As the movie goes on, Anxiety begins to deconstruct Riley’s initial Sense of Self and replace it with a self that is governed entirely by core memories shaped by Anxiety-driven moments. But Anxiety isn’t the bad guy; they think they’re doing the right thing. And while the sensibility of the if/then statements that define anxiety are pleasing to the scientific side of our psyches…they don’t always resonate in the real world. And they don’t always serve our best interests. As a viewer, it’s when you HEAR those anxious thoughts played out one after another that the unfortunate story they tell becomes all too familiar:

“If I like what they like, I will have friends.”

“If I do what they want me to do, I will be liked.”

“If I don’t succeed, everything is ruined.”

I could almost cry just writing these words out. Because these aren’t just the thoughts of a fictional 13-year-old girl. They are the thoughts of a very real 33-year-old woman, too.

And that’s when I made the bombshell realization that my own Sense of Self has been deconstructed for a very long time - especially over the last 4 years - and especially as the core memories of my own anxiety have begun to run the show of my haphazard life.

Deep down, I know that I am kind and thoughtful and responsible and loving and creative and worthy and whatever it is that “enough” is. But all of those beliefs are often counteracted by an even deeper belief that I’m usually doing something wrong - that people don’t like me, that I don’t have what it takes, that because things went wrong that one time, they always will. Something is wrong with me, not the system. And I probably don’t even stand a chance, no matter how hard I try. I’m living a life of fear and anxiety - mostly because I’ve committed those beliefs to my core.

That’s an awful depressing feeling to walk away from a movie with, isn’t it? And I’ll admit, it left me with an intense and persistent uncertainty over the next 24 hours. But once the fog cleared, I realized I’d been given a gift. For the first time ever, I really felt like I was able to get in my own head and understand it. I also realized that the very existence of this film means I can’t be alone, because this movie was not made by kids - it was made by adults, many of which are probably much older, experienced, and successful than I. The story they chose to tell has truth in it for all of us.

So what is one to do with this truth? Honestly, I can’t stop thinking about all the little Joyful Heathers and Angry Heathers and Fearful and Anxious and Embarrassed Heathers that are living inside my head. There are moments in my day where I picture them, collecting little glowing balls and committing them to memory, cheering me on towards a joyful moment and holding me when I’m sad. I can’t stop thinking about that pretty, glowing Sense of Self, either, and how it radiates the orange hue of anxiety right now, but - with my own help - will eventually makes its way towards a radiant and calming shade of white.

To do this, I’m rethinking the power of affirmations. I’ve had an up-and-down relationship with them over the years, wondering what the power of words actually holds and whether words can mean anything without a little belief behind them. At times, words like “kind” and “loyal” ring boring and bland, until one realizes how others might struggle with concepts like these, and what a gift it is they reside rent-free in my personality. The words that come hard, like “beautiful” and “worthy,” require deeper thought and action - work that I haven’t made much time for in the past.

So now, I’m reflecting. I’m writing out affirmations - along with the reasons I should believe them and how I might bring them to life. I’m trying to focus on the truth, not the muddled half-truths that my own lack of belief has crafted. It’s an interesting journey, and one that I’m only just beginning, so I can’t speak to its effectiveness. I feel pretty safe in saying it sure can’t hurt, though.

I feel like I might finally be ready to believe in myself, which is something I tell others to do everyday, but never seem to master on my own time. Not believing is the key to not achieving, corny as that sounds. It’s the reason I start a post draft and don’t finish it. It’s the reason I don’t commit to the manuscript for that novel I’ve been talking about for years. It’s the reason I’ve stopped dreaming big, stopped taking risks, and started following everyone else. It’s the reason I have trouble making decisions, why I cling to the familiar, why I’d rather escape than commit to change.

For some reason, thinking about it like this makes more sense than anything I’ve ever read in a self-help book or heard spoken by an expert - and it came from an animated movie! Because I guess, when you think about it, emotions are difficult to comprehend. There are words to surround them, but nothing makes sense quite like a few animated characters bringing them to life. All of a sudden, I’m rethinking the way I talk to and about myself in a refreshing way, ready to nourish my Sense of Self, to help it grow bright and strong and complex and excited to seize the day.

Enough of this not-enough-ness. It’s time to change.